Fucked Again

400 BAD REQUEST: a date without flowers

401 UNAUTHORIZED: I’m married

402 PAYMENT REQUIRED: expensive candle-light dinner

403 FORBIDDEN: don’t even think about it

404 NOT FOUND: she’s still a virgin

405 METHOD NOT ALLOWED: anal out of the question

406 METHOD NOT ACCEPTABLE: blowjobs out of the question

407 PROXY AUTHORIZATION REQUIRED: I have to ask my boyfriend first

408 REQUEST TIMEOUT: when did you last call?

409 CONFLICT: who was that blonde?

411 LENGTH REQUIRED: you call this ‘big’?

412 PRECONDITION FAILED: you don’t have a condom?

413 REQUEST ENTITY TOO LARGE: won’t fit!

415 UNSUPPORTED MEDIA TYPE: huge braless tits

500 INTERNAL SERVER ERROR: I’m having my period

501 NOT IMPLEMENTED: have never tried that

503 SERVICE UNAVAILABLE: headache

504 GATEWAY TIMEOUT: that’s all?

DOWNLOAD COMPLETE: ‘God! You were FAN-TASTIC! ‘

SERVER NOT AVAILABLE: keep getting that damn answering machine…

ILLEGAL OPERATION: *SLAP!* ‘Where the hell do think you’re putting that?!?!

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives ‘bad hair day’ a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they”ve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it’’s like the dream.
5. You could easily hold 2 cups of coffee and a ‘Dozen’ doughnuts.
4. I”d love to chip in… but I left my wallet in my pants.’
3. Inventive way to finally meet that ‘’special” person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And… drum roll… the Number One reason to go to work naked:

1. Your boss will never say, ‘I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!’ ever again.

• When there’’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn”t you.
• Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
• Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
• Fart and than stare at the other person.
• Hold the doors open and say you”re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, ‘Hi Greg. How’’s your day been?’
• Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, ‘That’’s mine!’
• Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
• Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
• Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they”d like to play.
• Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
• Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exit with the passengers.
• Ask, ‘WOW! Did you feel that?’
• Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
• When the doors close, announce to the others, ‘It’’s okay. Don”t panic, I think they’ll open up again.’
• Swat at flies that don”t exist.
• Tell people that you can see their aura.
• Call out, ‘Group hug!’ then enforce it.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering ‘Shut up, all of you, just shut up!’
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, ‘Got enough air in there?’
• Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Stare at another passengers for a while, then announce in horror, ‘You”re one of THEM!’ and back away slowly.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
• Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce, ‘I don’t have any underwear on.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, ‘This is my personal space.

1. Let’’s watch Oprah!

2. Sex is overrated.

3. I want you to come first.

4. Yes, I did your sister and she was great!

5. There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

6. I”m glad I don”t have a large penis.

7. My hips are too big.

8. Really, All I want to do is cuddle.

9. Does this suit make my ass look fat?

10. I”ll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.