10. Sex in a boat: oar-gasms.
9. Sex with a nerd: dork-gasms.
8. Sex at the entrance to your house: door-gasms.
7. Sex on carpet or linoleum: floor-gasms.
6. Sex at the supermarket: store-gasms.
5. Sex at a Steven King Movie: horror-gasms.
4. Sex with a prostitute: whore-gasms.
3. Sex with an accountant: bore-gasms.
2. Sex while sleeping: snore-gasms.
1. Sex while broke: poor-gasms.
I tip my hat to the good people in the state of Iowa. They recently had their primary elections and Hillary Clinton came in last!
Her lying immoral husband whose a sex addict already proved to us what the Clintons can do. We can only imagine what his wife would be like as our president. Why would we want to put a woman in office who is willing to put up with Bill Clintons cheating, crooked, lying ways? Hillary has already shown us her values. We’ve already been fucked over by one Clinton. Go ahead and elect Hillary - You’ll get Fucked Again!
Life’s A Bitch! Don’t Elect One As Our President!!!
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself”. So the man went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home he was delighted to find his wife was naked in bed, wet and ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. When he felt the urge to cum, he fired the pistol.
Later, as the man met his doctor at the hospital emergency room, his doctor asked him what the hell had happened.
The man said, “I did just like you told me, but when I shot the gun everything went wrong. My wife bit off three inches of my dick and shit in my face, and than my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up”.
Statistics show that virtual all married women lie about their past sexual experiences when they tell their husbands about their past sexual experiences. When a women is committed to a man, they focus on him, often believing, time and time again, that if he knew the truth he wouldn’t have married her. Because women have this tendency, they also tell their husands whatever they think they want to hear, just to make them feel good about themselves and or strengthen the relationship
1. “I only had sex with (pick a number) other guys before I met you.” Reality: Multiply the number by at least 2 to 4. National statistics show that American Woman average 10 sex partners. No woman in her right mind will ever tell you the truth, you’d think she was a slut.
2. “I’ve never had an orgasm with another man.” Reality: Yes she has, either through vaginal intercourse or by manual stimulation.
3. “You’re the first man to ever ejaculate inside of me.” Reality: Statistics show that most women didn’t use a condom when they gave their virginity away. You can count on the fact that at least several men have ejaculated inside of her.
4. “I’ve never given anyone else a blowjob.” Reality: Statistics show that over 90% of all women in their late teens gave a man oral sex.
5. “No one else has ever “done that / touched me” there before.” Reality: Here’s were common sense comes in. How many women have you touched “there” or done that too?
6. “You’re the best I’ve ever had.” Reality: You might be, but than again most likely not. Since sex happens in the mind if she found a former partner really hot than that partner was the best.
7. “You’ve got the biggest penis.” Reality: Average length 6″. That means there’s a lot of men with more. If you’re not more than 6″, you’re not the biggest.
8. “I never had a one night stand.” Reality: Over 75% of all men and women have had a “one timer”. If you’ve only had intercourse once with someone - that counts.
9.” I never picked a guy up and had sex with him.” Reality: Nearly 90% of women have “hit” on a guy they thought were sexy and they wanted to fuck him.
10. “Yes I had an orgasm.” Reality: Unless you consciously helped her have an orgasm either through oral or manual stimulation she lied.
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original personal research I’m happy to present the results. Now don’t get me wrong - it took almost 3 months of effort and physical contact with many young women. I’m proud to announce that as a result I’ve lost 15 pounds and have never felt better! I strongly suggest that all of you do similar research so we can compare notes and results!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent………………….. 12 Calories
Without her consent……………….. 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands…………………… 8 Calories
With one hand…………………….. 12 Calories
With your teeth…………………… 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection………………….. 6 Calories
Without an erection……………….. 315 Calories
PENIS INSERTION:
When it’s hard………………….. 3 Calories
When it’s not hard……………….75 Calories
When She’s not ready……………..284 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris………… 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot………….. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary……………………….. 52 Calories
69 lying down…………………….. 78 Calories
69 standing up……………………. 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow………………………. 216 Calories
Her on top………………………… 224 Calories
Doggy Style………………………. 326 Calories
Standing - same height…………60 Calories
Standing - she’s taller…………..340 Calories
ORGASMIC:
Real…………………………….. 112 Calories
False……………………………. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging………………. 18 Calories
Getting up immediately…………….. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately……816 calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old…………………… 36 Calories
30-39 years………………………. 80 Calories
40-49 years……………………… . 1124 Calories
50-59 years………………………. 1972 Calories
60 or more years………………………. 2916 Calories
GETTING DRESSED AFTERWARDS:
Calmly…………………………… 32 Calories
In a hurry……………………….. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door… 1218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door…. 5521 Calories
68% of men and 59% of women have been involved with more than one person that their current partner doesn’t know about.
47% of men and 42% of women would understate the number of their previous partners in order to convince someone to have sex.
34% of men and 83% of women lie about the race of their former sexual partners.
A lawyer went to duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said,” Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule.” The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?” The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer loose his early morning breakfast. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naaaaaah, I give up now. You can have the duck.
